gracious

It's not on the list, because it is newly acquired or shall I say recognized?

I am amazed that at 32 I am still forming opinions and coming to understand things about this life we all live--is there not yet a "Life for Dummies" book?

I suppose we never stop learning, but at times the lesson is more profound than others and affects the path and actions you take forever more. Some of the more important things I have learned about life in recent years:

· It becomes much harder to make good friends as you get older

· Most people are living the life they think they have to versus the life they want to live

· Money truly is not everything and is more often nothing

· The more responsibility you assume, the more control you have (for better or worse)

· Grace is one of the most powerful qualities a human being can possess

Most recently I have come to terms with this: We all have lines, boundaries. These lines are all across the board. Mine are, surprisingly, much more conservative in comparison to the sample population.

"Conservative" is not a word I, nor anyone who even remotely knows me, would attach to my description, but I am realizing that I have some strong moral standards I was previously unaware of (or potentially suppressed in favor of some bad ass fun). I'm not talking about social activities--I think I will always have much wider lines than most--but about things that really matter. Honesty. Integrity. Loyalty. Um, standards?

I'm most surprised to find that people aren't really "good", and blur these lines or blatantly ignore them more often than not. Naive is yet another word I would never use to describe myself but lately I'm feeling like I've been living in an alternate universe--the same one I have always accused my sister of setting up shop in with her so very infrequent visits to jaded earth. I always believed that good will, compassion, honesty and integrity would come back to you in heaps.

Heaps of bullshit, maybe. Piled on thick and suffocating while you stand there asking yourself "is this really happening, I thought I..."

Yet, somehow I still have faith--or a severe personality flaw, whatever you want to call it depending on where you stand.

I will still be the bigger person. I will not be intimidated by you. I will still do what I feel to be right. I will bite my tongue. I will bide my time. I will still look for the good in people, and quietly smile when those who aren't are eaten by one of their own.

Because here's the lesson: At the end of the day, you must be happy with yourself. No action or reaction will be worse than not staying true to yourself and your boundaries.

It feels good to hold this knowledge and know it to be true. Kind of like going back to junior high armed with everything you learned after age 18.

So cross your lines, dance across mine. And watch as I go forward with, yep, grace.

introspective

I have always been very interested in myself--understanding who I am, examining my physical and mental make-up thoroughly, and being my harshest critic. But it has always been on my terms.

Lately, I have been challenged to see myself through someone else's eyes, and it has been incredibly enlightening (and entirely frightening). I can assure you there is nothing harder in this world than truly listening...not hearing, listening...to perceptions about youself, some of which may not be favorable. The hard part is not only hearing it, but not reacting--putting down your defenses so that you can internalize with an objective ear.

The most surprising aspect of this experience has been that while at times I may not agree, more often I do. I have discovered these perceptions shared are things I have never liked about myself, but have been positioned in a different way. This, in turn, makes it easier to see the issue for what it is and change it. Yes, change. We all do. Sometimes subsconciously, sometimes willingly. The latter is in an incredible experience--to consciously have the power to change something about yourself you don't like. It's a small step to utlimately embracing that "life is what you make it." That, my friends, is limitless.

It has also become much easier to listen and have this kind of open and honest dialogue.

What do I like best about this period of self-discovery? That I'm going through it with someone else, who has listened and learned just as much as I have--and it is one the purest, most beautiful things I have experienced in life, even in the midst of difficulty and uncertainty.

Listen.

egocentric

I recently listened to the first three chapters of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. I tried to read the Power of Now, and just could not get into it. But listening to a similar narrative is a whole new experience and I intend to keep it up. Not being a truly spiritual person, I still find myself relating and embracing.

Quickly bringing you up to speed--the premise is that we as humans have not realized our purpose, and we need to transcend our current state to bring about a "new earth". It covers teachings from all religions and demonstrates that our historical prophets and spiritual leaders (think Jesus, Buddha, all knew what needed to happen, but through years of misinterpretation we have gone farther and farther (or is it further and further?) from the truth. 

Truth is love. Truth is happiness. Truth is inside you once the ego is gone. The ego is gone only with acceptance and openness. The first step to silencing the ego is recognizing it's the ego at work. How simple. But how hard to break from pre-conditioned patterns. 

That ego is a frustrating little bastard. 

All 32 Rolled Into One

I hate this woman. This woman who emotes on this blog. But she has to--it's her only escape. I've had much stability these past 2 weeks, hence my lack of posts. You should see my other blog. As an observant and loyal friend of mine told me--my blogs are written by two totally different people at two different points in their life. Yep. That's exactly it. Totally fucking nuts. 

Did I mention I'm black? 

generous

I wish I wasn't. With my love, my time, my forgiveness, my compromise, my understanding. 

I am a classic case of that woman who gives too much. I am just like my mother. All it affords me is the opportunity to be hurt time and time again--how much I'm hurt depends on how mad I get with myself for letting it happen. 

I have never given with the expectation of anything in return. But it's starting to dawn on me that maybe I should--after all, I am intelligent. 

Admittedly, this "generosity" of giving myself freely is not something an average observer of would say about me, as it manifests in my most personal relationships, not necessarily in charity (I actually hate charity work, I know, going to hell). But it is who I am and no matter how I try to fight it I have come to realize its an innate part of me. I don't know that I allow myself to be taken advantage of, but it is a very fine balancing act. 

I frequently tell myself it's time to start taking care of me--oddly enough I usually realize that I don't "need" that much, and that I actually ENJOY taking caring of other people. It's an endless, vicious circle. 

I want to scream, "when is it my turn"...but that would just be selfish and self-pitying.  

So I press on. Understanding, forgiving, entertaining, working, fixing, compromising, and making sure everyone else is happy. Hmmm....

articulate

I do have a way with words...spoken and written. So I know I've reached an impasse when I can't find a single word to inspire action or resolution--or even expression of where I am right now. 

I've been fooling myself with the power of positive thought (optimistic) and taking a long hard look at myself (introspective) to try and work through the conflicts (um, conflicted) in my life right now. But I am out of happy thoughts except the one that tells me eventually everything is going to be all right...but what exactly does that mean? I've also spent so much time looking at myself that I can't stand the sight of my face in the mirror any longer.

I need just a little encouragement to keep me going...it really would take so very little. But what do you do when a person you love so very much can't see the same things you do and nothing you can say nor do inspires any insight? It's the most painful feeling on so many levels--for yourself and all the, what feels like pointless, effort you've exerted, and for the other person that you know will someday realize you did you know what you were talking about--and what if it's just too late?

Complicated. Facebook got that right. 

fun

Fun in that I can laugh at myself just as much as someone else. Check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/ -- look-up your name. Mine? See below. Please also be sure to check out my tags. Note: click on pic to enlarge.




Can't say I argue with much of this! Just don't read past #3...although the 11th definition of my name is quite accurate.