generous

I wish I wasn't. With my love, my time, my forgiveness, my compromise, my understanding. 

I am a classic case of that woman who gives too much. I am just like my mother. All it affords me is the opportunity to be hurt time and time again--how much I'm hurt depends on how mad I get with myself for letting it happen. 

I have never given with the expectation of anything in return. But it's starting to dawn on me that maybe I should--after all, I am intelligent. 

Admittedly, this "generosity" of giving myself freely is not something an average observer of would say about me, as it manifests in my most personal relationships, not necessarily in charity (I actually hate charity work, I know, going to hell). But it is who I am and no matter how I try to fight it I have come to realize its an innate part of me. I don't know that I allow myself to be taken advantage of, but it is a very fine balancing act. 

I frequently tell myself it's time to start taking care of me--oddly enough I usually realize that I don't "need" that much, and that I actually ENJOY taking caring of other people. It's an endless, vicious circle. 

I want to scream, "when is it my turn"...but that would just be selfish and self-pitying.  

So I press on. Understanding, forgiving, entertaining, working, fixing, compromising, and making sure everyone else is happy. Hmmm....

articulate

I do have a way with words...spoken and written. So I know I've reached an impasse when I can't find a single word to inspire action or resolution--or even expression of where I am right now. 

I've been fooling myself with the power of positive thought (optimistic) and taking a long hard look at myself (introspective) to try and work through the conflicts (um, conflicted) in my life right now. But I am out of happy thoughts except the one that tells me eventually everything is going to be all right...but what exactly does that mean? I've also spent so much time looking at myself that I can't stand the sight of my face in the mirror any longer.

I need just a little encouragement to keep me going...it really would take so very little. But what do you do when a person you love so very much can't see the same things you do and nothing you can say nor do inspires any insight? It's the most painful feeling on so many levels--for yourself and all the, what feels like pointless, effort you've exerted, and for the other person that you know will someday realize you did you know what you were talking about--and what if it's just too late?

Complicated. Facebook got that right. 

fun

Fun in that I can laugh at myself just as much as someone else. Check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/ -- look-up your name. Mine? See below. Please also be sure to check out my tags. Note: click on pic to enlarge.




Can't say I argue with much of this! Just don't read past #3...although the 11th definition of my name is quite accurate.

Attractive

I am trying to remain that way, hence the at home exercises. About those...I can't walk. Seriously. It is difficult to stand and walk up and down not only stairs, but any slight incline in the ground. 

I think I may have legitimately hurt myself--hamstrings non-functioning. I'm not sure if it was the extensive yoga stretching, the 20-minute lower body workout, or self-choreographed aerobics routine, but all three are noticeably absent from my life this weekend.

My thighs however, ARE looking solid right now. No pain no gain, but this is ridonkulous. 

Random

Hells yes. I worked from home today because it's Friday; and because I had a 30-page scope document to read very closely and edit as necessary. My head hurts.

Because I am #2 (driven, not shit) I stuck to my plan of using my lunch hour to work out despite the raging headache--might I add I have that headache because I should technically be wearing glasses that have been sitting at the eye doc-in-a-box for over two months.

I'm doing home work outs these days--no more gym payments. So I have downloaded a ton of yoga and ultimate sculpting Exercise TV episodes. Still cheaper than a gym membership.

Anyhoo---got into them, knowing they would kick my ass as they have for the past week and decided I just wasn't feeling it. Instead, knowing I didn't want to dissappoint myself, I pulled the party mix off of iTunes and proceeded to dance around my living room for 40 minutes. Yep. Sure did. Singing, dancing, like a cat trapped in a bag.

At first it was a little embarrasing with the dog watching and all. Then I remembered...duh, you're a dancer (even if you are 15 years older than you used to be and not quite as rhythmically inclined). Own it, girl. So I did.

I'm going to start a grass-roots work out program with my very own random choreography to songs like SexyBack, Let the Beat Hit 'Em, Single Ladies, Closer...and so on.

I kicked my own ass today, but had so much fun doing it. Going to some basketball games tonight...that too technically counts as exercise.

Honest

Every since I was a little girl and my father read me the riot act when I lied about using my sister's toothbrush I have tried to steer clear of being dishonest. Yes, it was that traumatic.

Fortunately I am a really bad liar so it makes upholding this virtue very easy.

Other people are really bad liars too--but they think they're good. While I can't confirm it, I am fairly certain it is no coincidence one of my team members fell ill the day the ACC Tournament started--so ill he needs to be out for "a couple of days".

Let me be honest...I hate liars.

Conflicted

Long story short...I decided to keep going with Born Without a Y--and just keep up two blogs! I was conflicted about leaving it behind, because I really, really do like the concept. Seeing as my mood changes (dramatically) daily, it will give me not one but two outlets of expression.

Freedom of speech and the internet. Life is grand.

Inconsistent

I always start out with the best of intentions. Keep going to the gym, save money, blog regularly.

About that last one...I wasn't feeling it--and make no mistake people let me know. The Born Without a Y theme plays much better to my book, not my blog. And let's face it, lists are my thing (sad as that is).

So, while I've been a little inconsistent about how I portray the stories I would like to tell at least I'm still writing. Now, in a forum I can appreciate that inspires me.

This inconsistency will have it's benefits, I assure you of that.