generous

I wish I wasn't. With my love, my time, my forgiveness, my compromise, my understanding. 

I am a classic case of that woman who gives too much. I am just like my mother. All it affords me is the opportunity to be hurt time and time again--how much I'm hurt depends on how mad I get with myself for letting it happen. 

I have never given with the expectation of anything in return. But it's starting to dawn on me that maybe I should--after all, I am intelligent. 

Admittedly, this "generosity" of giving myself freely is not something an average observer of would say about me, as it manifests in my most personal relationships, not necessarily in charity (I actually hate charity work, I know, going to hell). But it is who I am and no matter how I try to fight it I have come to realize its an innate part of me. I don't know that I allow myself to be taken advantage of, but it is a very fine balancing act. 

I frequently tell myself it's time to start taking care of me--oddly enough I usually realize that I don't "need" that much, and that I actually ENJOY taking caring of other people. It's an endless, vicious circle. 

I want to scream, "when is it my turn"...but that would just be selfish and self-pitying.  

So I press on. Understanding, forgiving, entertaining, working, fixing, compromising, and making sure everyone else is happy. Hmmm....